A Weighty Subject

Okay, after some heart to heart talks with my BFF turned counselor Buffie, I find myself weepy. I started this whole weight loss journey because I wanted better for my life, and I didn't want to look like "the lady who popped out 6 kids". I had a goal, started with exercise and 4 months later overhauled my diet. The combination of the 2 resulted in at least 10 pound losses each month, instead of 10 every other month.
So~ here I am, 3 pounds away from my original goal scared. I really thought that I was in control, and my eating disorder past was truly the past. After all, if I could let myself go, that must have meant the problem was gone right? Wrong! I moved back my goal in my head a couple weeks ago, and I spend too much time thinking about how low I can get if I keep up the schedule I keep now. I guess I am looking for this perfect body, that looks as though I never had kids at all. So, my dear husband and Buffie alert me that I am falling into the risky behavior of so long ago. After looking like a crazy person online for what exactly I should weigh for my bone structure I found a site that allows you to determine just what your bone structure is. So after some measuring, I learned I am indeed a Large frame. Further learning that the weight I got down to in HS and the weight I started thinking I could hit again was unhealthy. I am actually 8 pounds from the high side of ideal weight, and if I hit my goal (150~13 pounds from now) I will be right in the middle of the ideal weight for my height and frame. Yes, if you do the math, that means I was indeed fat when I started this journey.
So what does all of this rambling mean?? It means I am not built to be a size 4 or 6, but more an 8 or 10. It also means I have to stop being a numbers cop, and concentrate on health. It means everyday when I go out and get compliments on my accomplishments from people who know me, I should stop thinking they are trying to lie, and that I truly do look good. Every time someone pays me a compliment (skinny mostly) I respond with an eye roll or a denial or a dirty look. As Buffie told me I need to learn how to say thank you, and allow myself to see my own progress, and internalize the good thoughts. I need a self confidence that I never have had. I need to believe that my husbands loves me flaws and all, and that he isn't waiting for me to be anyone other than me. I need positive self talk.
Maybe a few more phone sessions with Buffie and I'll be there. This could get expensive! Thanks for always being there. And to my loving Rick~ I'm sorry I hear it when Buffie says it, but think you are a loon!