What a roller coaster week this has been for me! I have been so not together the last two weeks, and was at the bottom emotionally about this journey I have been on.
*Deep breath*
I missed several workouts and ate in the late evening a few times, because I was hungry. Duh. But I felt bad. “I am not supposed to eat after 7.” “Why is my body sabotaging me?” “Why can’t I just go to sleep and tell my stomach to shut up?”
And then shame.
I missed a few workouts.
Shame, shame, shame, SHAME!
I feel guilt because the scale likes 153 better than 143, guilt because I still love chocolate. Guilt when I want extra butter on my baked potato.
Shame and guilt, guilt and shame.
I have always seen something very different when I look in the mirror than others say they see. I am not very kind to myself. In fact I am-have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? Yeah, that’s me. Only with myself though.
So I workout and count calories and lose a whole bunch of weight and still think I am fat. And the only size 6-8 obese person on the planet.
Was this to be the rest of my life??
~Enter a off-topic discussion with a brand new internet homeschooling friend. She just so happens to deal with similar struggles. And she is doing better after reading a faith based book about diets. I of course went to Amazon and found it. I also saw a book called The Eden Diet. It was available for the Kindle on my iPod. I had some Swagbucks in my account. ;)
This book is really great. It isn’t a diet. I am still reading, but have already learned so much! I need to read the book in 7 days. No problem. I am supposed to have fun getting exercise. Done. I am not supposed to weigh myself until the end of 30 days….whoa. That is going to be TOUGH!!
The basic idea is to eat when your God-given hunger pangs tell you to eat, eat what you want to eat, and not gorge yourself when eating. Of course we should keep good fuel in mind, but if I want some cheesecake, I should eat cheesecake. But only if I am truly hungry. Not 20 minutes after waking, or every 3 hours. When I am really, truly hungry. And I need to eat a smaller portion than I would normally want to eat.
So guess what I am working on?
Some chocolate cheesecake for Sunday dessert! I didn’t even taste a single Oreo when I made the crust. Because I wasn’t hungry!
I will be hungry sometime after Sunday dinner while watching the Nascar race/ Steelers game/ doing lesson plans though. :)
So there you have it, I am truly a mess. I don’t use self-tanner, or have a rock hard abdomen. I won’t be getting the girls lifted, or upgraded. I still have signs of a belly where six children grew-which my husband is very emotionally attached to-I want to see what he sees.
I want to be the best person I can be. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Pray I don’t weigh myself. The scale really is my self-worth indicator. I know it isn’t godly, and I know that only prayer and proper internal dialogue will fix me. I will share more about the book when I am done.
This weeks goals~
Transition week for the Turbo Fire/ChaLean Extreme hybrid. No lifting, all cardio and core.
No calorie counting, lots of hungry eating and water.
Are you all together? Or do you struggle too?
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First of all, I want a piece of that cheesecake. No, I don't need it but still it sounds quite yummy. Have Rick take the scales to the basement because I know you won't go there. You are a beautiful and terrific daughter, mother, wife and person. Eight more years and you'll figure it out (if it takes that long). 30's were difficult for me but 40's got better and I kinda think I like 50 even better. Listen to the momma and just throw the scales away. I think they are just a tool of the devil anyhow. A loving husband is the best mirror in the world except for a small hand-held one for contacts and makeup application. I love you, sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteSamantha, I can relate! I have recently lost 44 pounds but I am emotionally and physically stuck for a while now. I would still like to lose 54 pounds and while that wouldn't make me "thin" I wouldn't be "fat" either.
ReplyDeleteI count calories and I exercise but I also try to eat when I am really hungry and for an overweight person who has abused food for years it is often hard to figure out what is head hunger and what isn't. I'll be praying for you!
Enjoy that cheesecake!
Samantha, I've never been overweight, but I can relate to the feelings you expressed. The thing that helped me the most when these feelings were at their worst in me is to meditate on Mathew 6:25 "Do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"
ReplyDeleteAnd I never, ever step on a scale. I'm way to obsessive for that. When I'm pregnant and am weighed at the doctor's office, I look away so I won't see what the scale says.
That's what works for me. And I'm able to enjoy cheesecake once in a while, too!
Celee
Samantha, I found a set of videos that Gwen Shamblin of Weigh Down Ministries has that sound similar to The Eden Diet. You should check them out. They are really good! www.weighdownathome.com
ReplyDeleteYou can watch them free.
God will help you find exactly what you're looking for, if you'll let Him take you where you need to go to find it. I love & appreciate all you do, all you are, and all you continue to become. (u-know-who!) ~S.
ReplyDeleteGod will help you find exactly what you're looking for, if you'll let Him take you where you need to go to find it. I love & appreciate all you do, all you are, and all you continue to become. (u-know-who!) ~S.
ReplyDeleteSamantha, I've never been overweight, but I can relate to the feelings you expressed. The thing that helped me the most when these feelings were at their worst in me is to meditate on Mathew 6:25 "Do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"
ReplyDeleteAnd I never, ever step on a scale. I'm way to obsessive for that. When I'm pregnant and am weighed at the doctor's office, I look away so I won't see what the scale says.
That's what works for me. And I'm able to enjoy cheesecake once in a while, too!
Celee
Samantha, I can relate! I have recently lost 44 pounds but I am emotionally and physically stuck for a while now. I would still like to lose 54 pounds and while that wouldn't make me "thin" I wouldn't be "fat" either.
ReplyDeleteI count calories and I exercise but I also try to eat when I am really hungry and for an overweight person who has abused food for years it is often hard to figure out what is head hunger and what isn't. I'll be praying for you!
Enjoy that cheesecake!